How is this Okay?

Have you noticed how often men are made to look stupid in commercials? With my radio on as I worked around my kitchen one day, I counted three ads within an hour that all used some variation of the same worn-out trope. Hubby is trying to repair or accomplish something. Wife advises him to call Business X or to purchase Product Y. Hubby refuses, insisting he’s got things under control. Except he doesn’t. By the time the 15 or 30-second spot ends, he realizes he should have listened to his wife in the first place.

Can you imagine if they flipped the script? Hubby suggests calling the plumber or the designer or the realtor but the wife resists because she can handle it herself. Then the dilemma blows up in her face and she acknowledges her husband had the better idea. How well would an ad like that be received?

I recently read the script for a stage play called The Smell of the Kill by Michele Lowe, described on its webpage as a “tantalizing new comedy that had Broadway audiences cheering.” In the play, a cast of three women complain about their husbands (who remain offstage). Granted, the men have behaved badly, so viewers naturally side with the wives. But when the husbands accidentally lock themselves into a frozen meat locker, the wives spend the remainder of the play trying to decide whether to free them or to let nature take its course so they can rid themselves of the losers. They discuss the pros and cons, arguing their points while the audience howls. Eventually, the women decide to vote.

A dark comedy, for sure. I understand that. I just can’t help wondering how much the audience would laugh if we reversed the roles. Imagine if some community theatrical company somewhere, miraculously, had more male than female members and decided to flip the script so that the wives were locked up and the husbands debated about leaving them to die? No matter that the wives had committed the exact same crimes as the men in the original version. I suspect you’d hear howling at that play, too, but not howls of laughter. Who would dare?

It’s a double standard. I understand—sort of—why we’re okay with it. Women have been trodden upon for millennia, therefore men became fair game. I get it. But how does belittling men elevate women? If anything, such scenarios make women look like children and keep us down. If it’s equality women want, then humor needs to be equally funny (or not funny) either way it’s portrayed.

This is one reason I love Jesus so much. I’m a woman who has wanted to throw her Bible across the room when I’ve read how horribly women were abused in the Old Testament, seemingly while God gives a thumbs-up. Then, in the New Testament, Jesus comes along and changes the landscape. He treats women with kindness and dignity. He grants them protection. He engages them in meaningful conversation. After his resurrection, he appears first to women, fully knowing their reports will be dismissed merely because they’re female. He tells us that if we want to know what our heavenly Father is truly like, we should look at Jesus—not at his creepy, misogynistic forefathers. The more we become like Him, the more we will respect our fellow human beings, regardless of gender.

The Battle of the Sexes will not go away simply because I decided to rant, but we need to remember that sexism works both ways. If we’re not okay with the one, why are we okay with the other?

 

My Favorite Feminist

This is the month we celebrate International Women’s Day, and I felt privileged to attend the special event hosted locally. We heard from two inspiring speakers, both successful women in male-dominated careers: one a Red Seal carpenter, the other a hockey broadcaster. Both women shared stories of being respected and mentored by men, but also about being disrespected and dismissed because of their gender—by men and by other women. Even here, in our “enlightened” Canada.

Born into a time and culture where women had no voice and were considered a man’s property, one man took an astonishingly radical stand. His was a revolutionary mindset. In a religious culture where priests would pray, “Blessed are you, Lord, our God, ruler of the universe, who has not created me a woman,” this man’s treatment of women stood in glaring contrast. His approach was downright scandalous. No wonder those religious leaders hated and feared him enough to crucify him.

There’s a sad myth prevailing in our culture that Christianity keeps women down and we must turn our backs on it if we hope to achieve gender equality. My heart breaks to know the church has profoundly failed in this arena, feeding into this myth and leading many to reject Jesus Christ when in truth, Jesus demonstrated great respect for women. Read through the life of Christ as recorded by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John and you’ll see what I mean.

First of all, he included them. He taught them, in a day when women were kept illiterate, not allowed an education. He did not perceive them primarily in terms of their gender, age, or marital status, but in terms of their relationship to God. While other men — especially religious men aspiring to be respected leaders — wouldn’t be caught dead talking to a woman, Jesus frequently engaged women in conversation. In public.

Secondly, he spoke to them with kindness, valuing them and defending them. He accorded them equal spiritual status, referring to them as “Daughters of Abraham.” He asked them questions and gave them time to answer. He valued their service and their opinions. He gave them a voice.

Thirdly, even while defending women, he also held them accountable for their own sinful actions. Opportunity for repentance and forgiveness were freely granted, but it was the woman’s own choice to follow or not.

It was a woman who first experienced Christ’s presence on earth, in her own womb. It was another woman who recognized him as Messiah through the response of the child in her womb. It was a woman who first saw him after his resurrection. Then he instructs the women to tell his disciples about it. In the first century, a woman’s testimony was worthless. Jesus makes these women witnesses to history’s most important event. He entrusts them with the greatest story ever told. No wonder women flocked to him.

If you are a woman who has been hurt by religion, whose church has let you down, if you feel unheard or disrespected—can I encourage you to take a fresh look at Jesus? His followers—men and women alike—get things wrong all the time. They did in his day, too. They will in the future. It’s not a reason to write him off. (Besides, some of them do get it right!)

He loves you. He hears you. He sees you. He values you. He longs to heal your heart and set you free.

This will make somebody mad

I’m not a country music fan, but on weekday mornings while dressing for work and making my bed, I listen to a local station for news and weather. Hearing the latest country songs is a sometimes questionable fringe benefit. One song that seems to be getting a lot of air time lately is “Better Man,” recorded by Little Big Town and written by Taylor Swift.

I’m not surprised this song is gaining popularity. I imagine multitudes of women relate to it, and I confess these kinds of thoughts have tromped across my own brain and emotions many a time. This could have worked out if only you were a better man. I don’t doubt that many a regret-filled man listens to this song with a woulda-coulda-shoulda nod of his sorry, sad head.

But just hold on a minute. Let’s imagine that a guy were singing the same song, wishing his lost love had been a better woman. How might we react to these lyrics:

I hold onto this pride because these days it’s all I have
And I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that
You can’t say that
I wish you were a better woman
I wonder what we would’ve become
If you were a better woman
We might still be in love
If you were a better woman
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better woman.

Do you find these words offensive? Anyone? And if so, why is that? Why, if the original version is okay? All I did was switch the genders.

I think this song might be equally popular if a man were singing it, saying “We might still be in love if I were a better man.” Women everywhere would nod, possibly fall a little bit in love with this guy who’s finally seeing the light.

But let’s turn that idea on its head. Some woman singing, “We might still be in love if I were a better woman,” would incite an outpouring of female support for this poor soul suffering so heavily from rock bottom self-esteem. You just need to be you, Honey. You don’t need to make yourself over for no man. You’re fine just the way you are!

Help me understand this. Without falling back on the “centuries of oppression make it okay” argument. How is it not sexist to say it’s acceptable for a woman to sing this song, but not for a man? How is it not childish to want it both ways? Thinking that the success of a relationship falls solely on the man being “a better man” turns women into the helpless stereotypes women have fought against for years. 

We say we want to receive the same respect as men, but how can that ever happen if society as a whole doesn’t respect men any more than this? Am I missing something?