With Valentines season upon us, I’m taking it on
myself to share some nuggets of wisdom with my married or hope-to-become-married
readers. I’d love to say these tidbits were gleaned over the stretch of our 36
years of matrimony. Surprisingly enough, they all came from a marriage
conference we stumbled upon last fall, with Dr. Doug Weiss. Whether he invented
them himself I cannot say, but he taught them to us and left us wishing we’d
learned them years ago.
This week’s lesson is on fighting right; next week
I’ll describe a tool for connecting on an emotional level; and thirdly, just in
time for Valentine’s Day, a different take on Date Night!
I’m sure this never happens at your house, but Pete
and Pam seem to experience the same argument in their home over and over. Either
Pete is pouting (again) or Pam has lost her temper (again) or Pete starts
mumbling sarcastic comments (again) over the same old issue. Perhaps one or the
other finally gives in with a reluctant “fine!” But it leaves them both with a
bitter edge, sometimes frustrated to tears because they’ve never learned to
fight fair.
Step 1.
This “Fighting Fair” tool requires a worksheet Pete and Pam can make. At the
top, they identify the problem. Let’s say they’re fighting about who takes out
the garbage and when. They write that at the top of the sheet.
Step 2.
Each person involved in the fight lists at least three emotions that surface
over this issue. So, one side lists “His Feelings” and the other side “Her
Feelings” with 3-5 blank lines below. Pam and Pete might use words like
frustrated, cranky, hurried, or unappreciated. This step is important because
it acknowledges those feelings. Even if one spouse isn’t bothered in the least
by this issue, if it’s a problem for either partner, it’s a problem for both.
Step 3.
Each person lists at least three solutions. The left side says “His Solutions,”
and the right side “Her Solutions” with 3-5 blank lines below. Independently, Pete
and Pam must come up with at least three possible solutions; for example, “Pete
does it all the time,” “Pam does it all the time,” “Take turns on garbage day,”
“Kids do it every day,” etc. This part of the exercise is key because it forces
everyone concerned to be part of the resolution. Including the children when
appropriate teaches them good problem-solving skills, too.
Step 4.
Once everyone provides at least three solutions, Pete and Pam compare them and
make a list of all possible solutions from the suggestions made. Probably, some
will overlap. Number each solution.
Step 5.
The Vote. The left side of the sheet says “His Vote” and the right side “Her
Vote.” Below that, each person has a numbered list representing the combined
solutions. Let’s say the list contains eight suggestions. Separately, Pete and
Pam assign a value to each solution, from one to eight, giving the highest
value to their preferred solution.
Step 6.
Pete and Pam total the value assigned to each solution. Whichever has the
highest number becomes their decision. They write this on the Decision line.
Step 7.
They fill in the date, and each person signs it.
Step 8.
Now they hole-punch the worksheet and put it in their Fight Binder. Now that a
solution has been agreed upon, this issue need never be fought about again. Pete
and Pam can simply refer back to the binder if needed and say, “see here, we
decided this on January 30, 2014.”
This may seem like a lot of fuss, but wouldn’t you
gladly spend an hour solving a problem if you knew you’d never need to fight
about it again?