3 Thoughts for Care-Givers

A month ago, I thought my days were full. With a new book launching and all that goes with it, a weekly writing class to teach, plus my regular homemaking tasks, I had pretty much all I could handle.

Contrary to what is often touted as biblical, God frequently gives us more than we can handle. If he didn’t, we’d soon come to believe we don’t need him.

In my case, it came in the form of my 93-year-old mother’s decline to the point of needing a lot more care. This ridiculously healthy, vibrant, and independent woman has experienced the usual frustrations of short-term memory loss for a few years now. But with a flare-up of neuropathy pain in her feet came a serious surge in confusion. Suddenly, we don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone longer than twenty or thirty minutes. When her phone died and we had to replace it, I found one as close to the old one as I could. Still, it’s proven too big a learning curve and Mom hasn't gotten the hang of it. The lifeline gadget we’d tried a year ago only confused her more.

My sister and I began tag-teaming, sleeping at Mom’s every other night and then juggling daytime duty, along with my brother-in-law, as each day’s demands allowed. We quickly realized this wasn’t sustainable and were able to recruit a little help from other family members and friends. We began looking into home care and found they offer less than I thought. The process for a nursing home is also in place, but we know that could take months. We’re thankful Mom is ready and happy to take that step and we’re trusting God for his timing. It’s a tremendous relief to know we won’t have a fight on our hands like many do.

Looking after Mom isn’t difficult. It’s only tiring and time-consuming. I needed to find some things I could stop doing to make this more manageable. My every-third-Sunday duty in my church’s Information Booth could go. Baking muffins and banana bread to tuck into Hubby’s lunches could go. The two or three hours a week spent creating scripture memes to post on social media could go. If anyone has missed them, they haven’t said. I’m not writing another book, and I’m beyond grateful that my newspaper column was cancelled last summer. That weekly deadline would be a killer now—yet another example of why I can trust God with these things.

People say, “Be sure to take care of yourself too, or you can’t take care of others.” So, in the interest of self-care, my priorities during the hours I spend at home have become: take a walk, take a nap, take a shower, do a load of laundry, and catch up on emails and other business. (There’s no wi-fi at Mom’s.) Any remaining time is spent cooking or grocery shopping or prepping for my class. Possibly cleaning something, if we’re really lucky.

We’ve been at this less than a month and already I catch myself wanting my life back. When those thoughts come, God says, “This is your life. And it’s all good.” I tell myself three things:

1.       This is temporary. (And yes, even if Mom is with us another ten years, it’s still super temporary in the grand scheme of eternity.)

2.       This is a privilege. (How many people my age still have a parent? How many are able to give them this kind of time?)

3.       I will never regret time spent with my mother. (This is something my friend Brenda reminded me of after losing her mother. How could I ever regret this?)

Who knows what this experience might be preparing me for down the road? I ask God daily to use this in my life to make me more compassionate and caring, more patient and kind. In short, more like Him.

He’s got His work cut out for Him.

Apparently, so do I.

Mom & Me