Rip-offs and Other Facts of Life

Mr. Nasty Cold Virus

Confession time for this big fat liar.

In my column a couple of weeks back (Never Say Never, January 3), I waxed eloquent about how healthy I am becoming. No sooner had I hit “send” than Mr. Nasty Cold Virus rang my doorbell and by the time you were reading said column, he had pushed his way through and flattened me. What a rip-off! I really thought all the discipline and healthy eating put me above the law. Not so, apparently.

My friend Jim tells me no amount of healthy lifestyle can protect you from snotty-nosed grandkids. My conscience whispers it’s all the forbidden food I ate over Christmas. Dr. Bruce Narvey calls it tempting fate. The Bible says pride goes before a fall. Whatever you call it, boy, did I feel dumb.

Oh well, it was true when I wrote it. Honest.

To add insult to injury, while the bug still lingered, I visited my lung doctor who told me the scan taken back in December not only showed no improvement, but my lungs actually appear a little worse! How can that be, when I feel so much better? I guess it means I’m healthier overall, in spite of the disease. Not necessarily a bad thing, but still. This, too, felt like a rip-off, but I thought of a few possible ideas of how it may have happened:

One, my lungs just happened to be having a bad hair day when they took the picture. They’re normally much prettier.

Two, all my saxophone playing caused the nodules in my lungs to expand with air.

Three, I’m thinner now than I was in the previous picture, thereby making the nodules appear larger in perspective.

Four, with all the vegetables I’ve been devouring, I probably inhaled some broccoli and it showed up on the scan.

Five, my scans got mixed up with those of some bloke who worked 40 years in an asbestos factory.

I suspect none of those theories would hold up for long. However, I’ll tell you three things I know for sure. First, I feel much better and no test results can take that away from me. Second, my naturopathic doctor has helped me far more than any other, so what kind of idiot would abandon her advice now? Third, I believe with all my heart God could heal me instantaneously if he chose to. He’s done so for others, and perhaps he still will for me. But if he chooses not to, it means he has a more important road for me to travel. For some reason I cannot see, more growth, more opportunity, and more blessing exist on this particular road. I won’t lie, though. Some days, it feels like a rip-off.

Recently, I received an email from author Mary DeMuth. She included a list called Nine Daily Truths to Say to Yourself which I promptly hung on the bulletin board over my home desk. Four are particularly pertinent to me right now:

God delights in showing His strength in my weakness.

God is sovereign. Even when I don’t understand what He’s up to, I can be assured He’ll take my mess and bring redemption to it.

God gives me what I need each moment to succeed in this day.

God will take care of my needs whether I fear or not. I may as well trust Him.

I love Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase of Proverbs 3:5 & 6 in The Message: “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.”

I hope these truths will encourage you, too, on whatever road you find yourself and whatever rip-offs come your way today.

Naturopathic Tricks and Treats

It’s not the least bit spooky.

People ask what my therapy at Dr. Lisa Graham’s Naturopathic centre entrails—I mean, entails— and I’m here to reassure you it’s all quite normal. Just random strangers running around barefoot in blue hospital gowns or white bathrobes. Folks sweating together, not to the oldies, but in the 180 degree sauna to cook their germs. Patients lying around in beds with wet towels on their torsos to fend off evil. Acupuncture to encourage the exercising of vocal chords. Electrical stimulation to ward off aliens. Soft spa music, accompanied by the soothing howl of hungry wolves and the unmistakable but comforting grunt of constipated rhinos. Routine stuff like that. 

Even Dr. Lisa’s homeopathic remedies are conventional. Wretch weed for digestive disorders, dogbane for consumption, dried beetles for energy, mud dauber’s nests and lizard eggs for fertility. Not a drop of snake oil to be found.

And Dr. Lisa knows what she’s doing, believe me. First, she gets her vapours fusilatin.’ Then she gets her fumigatin’ fire going with a little skunkweed and tosses her “puttin’ down” powders into the air. Then she clips your toenails and snips a bit of your hair, and buries it under a cottonwood tree by the light of a full moon. Nothing weird.

And she truly cares. If you try to get out of bed before your time is up, she throws her boots at your head and shouts, “Don’t you know you’re at death’s door? That’s why I’m doctorin’ you, ya dern fool. Now git back into that bed!”

You think I’m making this up, but I’m not. I got most of it from an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies, where Granny Clampett is out to cure an ailing Jed, whom she has diagnosed with a deadly case of The Misery. But it’s my way of playing a Halloween trick on Lisa, since I’m pretty sure she won’t be allowing me any candy. 

Especially after she reads this.

The truth? While I adore Granny Clampett, even Jed’s double barreled shotgun couldn’t coerce me into submitting myself to her mountain medicine. So what keeps me going back to Dr. Lisa?

I admit, it’s a bit stranger than what we’re used to. Yes, it’s time consuming going for treatments twice a week and using her sauna on the days in between. Yes, the new way of eating, shopping, and cooking seems like a huge burden at first. But, like one of my fellow patients said, “It’s working, and I really wish it weren’t.”

On the one hand, I know what he means. It takes effort! There are tons of things I’d rather be doing with my time than breathing eucalyptus steam morning and night, exercising, and juicing vegetables. But if that’s truly how he feels, he’s not desperate enough. When you’ve been ill for over a year and you find something that’s making you feel better, you want to stick with it. (If she’ll still let me through the door, that is.) 

Unlike Granny, Dr. Lisa doesn’t promise sure-fire cures. But she’s seen enough people get healthy to make her believe more firmly every day in the God-given power of the body to fight back when given what it really needs. What’s more, her faith in Jesus Christ makes me feel right at home. Come to think of it, that place embodies much of what a good church should: community, peace, joy, and healing. 

Though I look forward to the day when I can get back to my life and stop going so often, I would want to go whether I was experiencing health issues or not. The joyous atmosphere, encouraging coaching, healing prayers, and gentle nurture are things I wish everyone could experience at least once in their lifetime.

Now, where did I put my jug of stump water? I believe it’s time for a dose.