Don't Tell Anyone, But...

Years ago, in the days when voicemail was called an answering machine, I came home one day and listened to a message on ours. I have no memory of what the caller said in their intended message, but I vividly recall what they said after they thought the call was disconnected. This person had called from the home of another person we both knew, and as they continued to discuss me and my family, our machine continued to record the whole thing. I couldn’t believe my ears. I listened to it again to make sure I heard correctly, then deleted it, knowing it would feel especially hurtful to one of my children.

That didn’t stop it from hurting me.

I was angry. The nerve! It’s none of your business! And if it is your business, why don’t you talk about it to me instead of someone else whose business it also isn’t? I stewed about it for far too long, and—obviously—still remember it years later although the hurt and anger are gone.

Has this ever happened to you?

What eventually helped me let it go was to ask myself how often I’ve said things about others that would embarrass me to death if I found out I’d said them into their answering machine. Could I honestly say I was innocent? Can you?

Will Rogers said, “The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.”

He was right. We do like it. Have you had someone come to you and say, “I’m not one to gossip, but…” or “You didn’t hear this from me, but…”

Suddenly we’re all ears, aren’t we? Why is it so hard to end the conversation right there? We tell ourselves, “If I tell him to keep it to himself, he’ll feel judged by me and I’ll lose a friend.”

You might. Or, he may respect you more—in the long run—and take his stories elsewhere in the future. Better yet, keep them to himself.

What if 2019 were the year we made a habit of ending conversations that aim to tear others down, or are simply none of our business?

Here are a few better responses we could practise, hopefully without wounding the other person.

They ask, “Can you keep a secret?”

You say, “Only if it’s about you.”

They ask, “Did you hear about Jane?”

You say, “No, but if it’s any of my business, I’m sure Jane will tell me when she’s ready.”

They ask, “So, what’s going on with Jane?”

You say, “You’ll need to ask Jane. It’s not my story to tell.”

They say, “You won’t believe what Jane did now.”

You say, “Have you voiced your concern directly to Jane?”

Or, if they start in with no prelude, you can jump in with “I’m sorry to hear that, and I’m uncomfortable discussing it, since Jane isn’t here and it’s really none of my business.”

Or how about this: “You know, I’m really trying to work on not saying negative things about others, and I need all the help I can get. So can you please not share that with me?”

The sad truth is gossiping projects your own insecurities and makes you an unsafe person.

The Bible says a few things about it, too. Proverbs 16:28 “…a gossip separates close friends.” 

Ephesians 4:29-30, “Blessed are those who whisper not secrets about friends, nor murmur rumors about acquaintances, nor shout lies about foes. But they delight in building others up…”

I need your help with this. But please don’t tell anyone.