A Lesson from Winter on Love, Sex, & Marriage

One benefit of these frigid Manitoba mornings is, you don’t waste time staring into your closet deciding what to wear. You simply wear it all.

As I bundle up for my morning walks to work, I’ve been contemplating the importance of doing things in the proper sequence. Long johns before pants, pants before ski pants. Then boots, parka, hood, scarf. Backpack. Gloves. Big leather mittens over the gloves. It all works together quite nicely to help me survive the brutality known as our weather.

But what if I decided to mix it up one morning because I’m bored with the routine or feeling a bit rebellious? Maybe I want to put my long johns on last, or my boots first. What if I put on my backpack and then tried putting my parka on over that? Or maybe I could put on my big leather mitts first. It could be done—maybe. But by the time I managed to zip my coat and tie my scarf while wearing those bulky mitts, I’d be frustrated to tears. I’d be sweating like a boxer. And my work day would be almost over.

Doing things in the right order applies to so much of life, doesn’t it? No matter how much we might like to skip some steps, especially if they’re hard, life works better in a certain order. We need the education before the good job, and the experience before the better job. We must practice before proficiency comes. We’re required to raise children before we can spoil grandchildren. Buckle up before driving off.

Oh sure, we can try doing things cart-before-the-horse. It might even work, with effort. Instead of washing dishes right after we’ve eaten off them, we could wash them just before we eat. Either way, we’re eating off a clean dish, so what’s the big deal? But seriously, who wants to be scraping off yesterday’s stuck-on spaghetti before you can enjoy tonight’s chicken?

You might succeed at driving to the gas station on a flat tire and then putting air in it. You could try washing a dirty floor before you sweep up the loose dirt. It’s possible to dress first and then take a shower. It’s also really, really dumb.

How about marriage, sex, and having babies? These days, people laugh at the idea of saving sex for marriage. Like it’s downright dumb.

But is it? Have you ever met anyone who waited and regretted it? I haven’t. Present company included. Most things work a whole lot better when done in the right order. Your Creator knows you and put some rules in place that He knows will, if followed, work best for you and the order of your life. Sure, you can change the order and “get along fine.” Lots of people appear to do exactly that.

And lots of people don’t. They carry around emotional scars from past relationships which deeply and negatively affect their present one—wounds they could have avoided by doing things in the order intended by the One who knows them best, loves them most, and understands their heart.

Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate love and romance and sex. It’s a cold world, friend. Why make your life harder than necessary? Bundle up in the right order.

The Not-So-Common Cold

Hi, I’m Terrie. It’s been thirteen months since my last cold.

Yes, I still cough a lot and sleep a lot because of a lung condition. But I’m doing far better than others with the same malady and have taken fewer sick days than I used to. For the past seven years, I have averaged one cold per year or less, where I used to think three or four each year were normal. As I write this post, it’s been thirteen months since my last one. (Now just watch, as soon as I hit “publish,” I’ll be flattened by a nasty cold or flu to keep me humble. I’ll risk it.)

What made the change? I can think of a couple of things.

Seven years ago, I began seeing local naturopath, Dr. Lisa Graham. She taught me a lot of tricks for building one’s immune system. Although I have not frequented her clinic for a long time, a few of the lessons she taught me stuck. 

I learned to look at food differently. I began to realize every bite I take is either fighting disease or feeding it. Seriously. Every bite. Although I gave up the vegan diet for the sake of marital harmony, I do eat a lot more fruits, vegetables, nuts, and beans than I used to—and a lot less sugar, gluten, and dairy.

Now that Canada’s Food Guide is finally catching up to what naturopaths have been saying all along, the next generation of Canadians should see a turn-around in obesity, allergies, diabetes, and cancer. This sounds like bad news for beef ranchers and dairy farmers if people stick to more plant-based proteins. But our economy can only benefit if people stay healthy. Maybe now’s the time to diversify into legumes or lettuce. 

What I think has really boosted my immune system, however, is the last thirty seconds of my daily shower. I do enjoy a hot shower, but just before I’m done, I turn the water to straight cold. Brrr, right? Am I insane? I don’t think so. The Finnish are on to something with their hot saunas followed by a plunge into icy water. 

Here’s how Dr. Lisa explained it. Well, sort of.

Think of your immune system as your body’s military, your antibodies the tiny soldiers waiting to be called up for duty. The warmth of the shower lulls those little soldiers into complacency. It tells them, “All is well. Relax. Save your strength.” 

Make a habit of that and your entire army will be fast asleep when needed. Unless…

BAM! Whoa! What’s that? Alert, alert! Send help! 

A message is sent to your command center, the brain. Something big is happening in your body’s core, the part requiring the most protection because that’s where the enemy bugs grow. Of course, you know you’re not truly in trouble—it’s only cold water. But your tiny soldiers don’t know that, so they jump into action. They muster all the troops to fall in, strengthen themselves, and prepare for battle. The first threatening bug to come along gets it. POW! Next day you do it again. And again. Soon your army is so well-equipped it can tackle the toughest bugs.

That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. Of course, none of that will work without the support of healthy food, adequate sleep, and exercise. But still. I’ve discovered that when I skip this thirty-second cold blast, I step out of the shower with all the vigor of a used tea bag. I miss it because it leaves me feeling awake, alert, and all a-tingle.  

I dare you to try it for a month. Then a year. Count your colds. Let me know what happens.

Breaking Bad...Habits

You probably already know how addictions are formed; how the human brain responds to hits of dopamine, the “feel-good” hormone. You already know that alcoholics serious about kicking their addiction must remove all traces of alcohol from their environment. You grasp the concept of how clearing your home of junk food helps you shed bad eating habits. And so on.

But understanding how and why this happens is a fascinating science and can be encouraging because it means you can train or retrain your brain to respond the way you want it to.

In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear explains the four-step process of Cue, Craving, Response, and Reward. For example, you see a plate of cookies. That’s the Cue. The second step, Craving, is the way you interpret the cue—as in, “I should eat one.” The third step, Response, is the action (you eat one). And lastly, the Reward. It tastes good.

All of that is easy enough to grasp.

What I found intriguing is what studies of the human brain reveal. Once we become addicted, the dopamine spike in our brain does not happen at the point of Reward, or even the point of Action. It spikes at the second step, the Cue. In other words, it’s the anticipation of the reward, not the reward itself, that triggers the rush. A gambler’s dopamine spikes when he sees the dice, not when he throws it.

What does this tell us? Perceived value motivates you to act. Which means perception, at any point along this path, can change the whole outcome. So, whether you’re trying to develop a good habit or break a bad one, four laws of behavior change accompany these four stages: make the habit obvious, attractive, easy, and immediately satisfying.

On the flip side, if you’re trying to break a bad habit, the four laws are the opposite: make it invisible, unattractive, difficult, and unsatisfying. This all takes a little creativity, but the book provides tricks. The best news is that often by addressing only one or two of these steps, you can successfully change your habit.

Here’s one way I stumbled into this. For years, I used to read my Bible and a short devotional while I ate breakfast. Both were good habits—physical and spiritual nutrition all at once. Then I switched my breakfast from granola to smoothies. Drinking a smoothie did not require sitting, so I took it to my bedroom and sipped on it while I dressed, put on my makeup, and did my hair. I was having a more nutritious, lower calorie breakfast and saving time.

The only problem was, after a while I realized I was no longer reading my Bible. I had “unbundled” my habits and lost something precious in the process!

Last December, I accepted a challenge to read through the book of Luke, a chapter a day. I bought a pretty journal and sat beside the Christmas tree before dawn with my favorite coffee. I lit a candle and turned on my fake fireplace. Soon I was loving the experience so much, I didn’t want the month to end. The highly welcoming atmosphere had tied itself to the habit I was trying to form.

With the tree put away, I was able to keep the habit going at my desk—by keeping my Bible and a new journal handy on my desktop and using a favorite new fountain pen I received from my son for Christmas. Of course, I kept the candle and coffee. It seems silly, but it worked. It’s several little things, but they made the experience obvious, attractive, easy, and immediately satisfying.

 

Which is the whole point. Little things. Every day. Over time. Equals results.