The Oxygen Mask

If you’ve ever flown anywhere, you’ve heard the speech.

Photo from Canva Pro

“Should the cabin experience sudden pressure loss, stay calm and listen for instructions from the cabin crew. Oxygen masks will drop down from above your seat. If you’re traveling with children or anyone needing assistance, make sure your own mask is on first before helping others.”

This rule has been used as a metaphor many times, often at graduation ceremonies, and it’s a good one. How can you help others if you’re gasping for breath or passed out yourself? It’s used to remind us to take care of ourselves in a multitude of ways. I’ve heard it used to encourage people—especially women—to get an education and career so that they never find themselves at the mercy of someone else to provide their basic needs.

I think most women understand that now. I grew up in a world where one university-educated partner could support a whole family. I figured if I married someone with a college education, I’d be free to stay home. In our case, we married before the education began—but I still naively nursed the notion that once I finished “putting hubby through,” life would be smooth sailing. Years later, I found myself thinking that if I’d known I would need to spend my life working anyway, I’d have gone to college myself so that at least my efforts would pay better.

The oxygen mask metaphor works well for counselors and parents too. How can you help clients or your kids if their pain triggers your own because you haven’t worked through your trauma and found healing? You could end up doing them more harm than good.

Like almost everything, personal survival rules can be used rightly and wrongly. Can you think of examples of where someone has taken this metaphor to the extreme or used it for selfish reasons? Here are some I’ve heard:

“Maybe I can’t afford the new golf clubs, but I need to take care of myself first.”

“I need a week alone at a sunny resort to fuel my tank before I can look after my family.”

“I’m dumping my loser spouse because they suck the life out of me and it’s time I looked after ME.”

What if, instead of dramatic self-care moves like expensive toys, trips, or divorces, we could learn to wear an oxygen tank with a continuous flow, in our everyday, ordinary lives?

Let me share how this has proven itself in my life, even though I didn’t necessarily realize it until recently. The importance of spending time alone with God, reading my Bible, and praying, was drilled into me early in life. I’m grateful for that, but I viewed this practice as something I did to please God more than for myself. When our children were little, staying consistent became increasingly difficult until I gave up. For years, I grabbed snippets of truth here or there or not at all. I’d try to take in great gulps in church on Sundays to tide me over for the week.

Not until I began consistently rising at six each morning to keep this appointment with God, did I begin to see the difference it made. Although I didn’t think of it as connecting to an oxygen mask in order to help others (spouse, children, employer, clients…), I now believe it served that purpose in ways I’ll never fully grasp. I began to see how desperately I needed that time and how much weaker I became when I skipped. The habit continued. While I now enjoy much more freedom with my rising time, the daily dose of oxygen is still an absolute requirement.

So today, if asked for my best advice for graduates, I’d say, “Definitely, put your own oxygen mask on first. But don’t be surprised if it looks like a Bible, a journal, a pen, and thirty or sixty minutes out of every day.”

Graduations that Never Were

I attended a wedding shower recently and heard the comment that invariably arises at these events, while guests admire all the shiny new gadgets and fluffy towels. “When you make it to forty years of marriage, you should be thrown a shower to replace all your worn-out stuff.” Having reached the 45-year milestone and still contending with several items in my kitchen of the same vintage, I heartily agree.

Okay, maybe I’m the one who made the comment.

But then I realized I’d need to attend showers and buy gifts for others on a weekly basis, using money I could use to replace my own stuff.

With graduation season upon us, similar thoughts occurred to me. What if we held grad ceremonies for accomplishments beyond school? A few categories come to mind.

Marriage and becoming a parent both typically include more parties, so I’ll skip those.

When parents graduate to empty-nesters, they are still parents but their roles change so significantly that some sort of ceremony might help. Graduating to “in-law” without any training or input deserves a diploma. Crossing the platform for your “grandparent” title is an even more significant milestone.

I know a woman who taught Sunday School for forty years. Last time I checked, teaching Sunday School did not come with a paycheck attached. I imagine she has learned at least as much as her students and probably a whole lot more. Surely that kind of dedication merits a cap and gown.

When seniors reach the point where they have little choice but to downsize, selling or giving away decades’ worth of memories, they deserve a graduation. Surrendering your car and driver’s license requires humility. When they possess the courage and dignity to make that call themselves rather than waiting until it’s forced upon them, they deserve some sort of recognition, don’t you think?

Maybe when you reach a certain age, you should be granted the privilege of participating in a “School of Hard Knocks” mass graduation ceremony simply for surviving your share of difficult surprises, health issues, relationship breakdowns, and heartaches too personal to share. A formal acknowledgment might give you a much-needed motivational boost to stay the course and finish your race.

Well ... again, I suppose we’d find ourselves attending grad ceremonies of one kind or another on a weekly basis if we did all this. Perhaps a better idea is to learn how to celebrate our own life moments and invite those closest to us to participate. As I look over my own history, I see too many significant events and accomplishments glossed over in the name of … I don’t even know what. Busyness? False humility? Laziness?

Birthdays. Anniversaries. Job changes. Book contracts. Course completions. Finishing the tax returns. What’s on your list? Can we do better at this? I’d sure like to.

Meanwhile, if you’re graduating from high school or college this year, Congratulations! Enjoy every minute of your festivities. Stay safe. And don’t forget all the people who helped get you there.

“So I conclude that, first, there is nothing better for a man than to be happy and to enjoy himself as long as he can; and second, that he should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of his labors, for these are gifts from God.” (Ecclesiastes 3:12-13)

For Grads and Those Who Love Them

Occasionally, I am delusional enough to think there might be an eighteen-year-old somewhere who reads my blog. If that’s you, chances are you will graduate from high school shortly. Perhaps you’ve figured out your next step or perhaps you’re still as undecided as you felt at the beginning of the school year. You’re tired of people asking what you’re planning to do with your life. So many options lie before you, and with each choice you make, you eliminate others. It’s a confusing time.

I love this Winnie the Pooh poem by Benjamin Hoff:

How can you get very far

If you don’t know Who You Are?

How can you do what you ought,

If you don’t know What You’ve Got?

And if you don’t know Which to Do

Of all the things in front of you,

Then what you’ll have when you are through

Is just a mess without a clue

[But] All the best can come true

If you know What and Which and Who.

I cannot provide you with the “what” or the “which.” But I’d love to point you to the WHO, because when you know the answer to the “who,” you’ll be guided to the what and the which. (Also the where, when, and why!) Your creator loves you and knows you and wants you to succeed at fulfilling your purpose. God can be trusted. He will never leave you. He’s promised that. Seek him with all your heart and let him guide you, one day at a time.

In Joshua 1:9, God said “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” He is for you. He is rooting for you.

Maybe your graduation happened decades ago and now you’re watching your fledgling leave the nest. Life is showing you how nothing stays the same and it’s hard. Really hard. I know. I went through it three times.

I once heard a preacher say, “at any given time, you’re either in a valley or you’re coming out of a valley, or you’re about to enter a new valley.”

It’s the nature of life on this earth. But I’ve learned that amid all of life’s changes, we have a God who never does. Malachi 3:6 says “I, the Lord, do not change...”

The beauty of walking with God through all these hills and valleys is that we never stop growing. He wants you to grow through every season of change. So here are three questions you can ask yourself as you enter a new season.

·       What is it time to let go of? Mourn your losses. It’s okay to grieve.

·       What am I learning? Write it down! Don’t waste this season or this heartache by refusing to grow.

·       Who am I trusting? Remember that God is for you.

All of us will experience times of endings and beginnings. If you are in a season of transition, can I encourage you? You may not see the road map. You may not have any picture of what your future holds, but you can choose to trust the heart of our God. He says, “Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me.”

He’s with you. You don’t need to be afraid.

My Fellow Graduates...

Who’da thunk it? On April 30, I graduated from the Manitoba Municipal Administrator’s certificate program through the University of Manitoba and can now put the initials CMMA behind my name. The last time I graduated from anything was high school, about 147 years ago. Some things have changed, and some remain the same since that day. 

Difference: Back then, we wore caps and gowns. For this grad, only corsages distinguished us and I’m quite all right with that. It gave me a chance to wear a pretty dress and actually have it seen.

Similarity: Both times, I needlessly worried I’d trip going up to receive my diploma. 

Difference: Back then, falling would have been mortifying. This time, it would have only provided more fodder for this column.

Similarity: For the group picture, the tall people stood in the back. I am still one of the tall people.

Difference: My CMMA certificate says “with distinction” on it. How about that, eh? In high school, I was an average student. The grades I’ve earned as an adult make me wonder if I’d have done much better as a teenager if only those dang boys had not been such a distraction. Speaking of boys…

Similarity: I had the same date for both grads. Somewhere, there’s a picture of Jon and me together on that day back in 1977. But after 35 years of marriage, his congratulatory hug, his pride in me, and his presence hold far deeper significance. Besides his being both a witness to my struggles and a personal coach through these particular courses, the rivers that have passed under our life bridge make his support infinitely more precious now.

Difference: Back in 1977, I graduated from a small, residential Christian high school in South Dakota. Prom night didn’t exist, since dancing was frowned upon. We settled for a heavily-decorated banquet, followed by sitting and listening to a guest speaker and then sitting some more while listening to a musical performance. There was no need for “Safe Grad” arrangements or designated drivers, either.

At my 2013 grad, our banquet was followed by a dance and cash bar. I abstained from the bar’s offerings, thank you, but found dancing a far superior way to follow too much food.

Similarity: A sense of significant accomplishment permeated both events. It’s easy to think that continuing education courses, taken at the rate of one or two per year, mean nothing compared to being a full-time student. But high school students are not generally required to put food on the table, care for children, or make mortgage payments throughout their studies like most adult students do. It’s not “nothing.” Both achievements are worthy of celebration.

And so, to the Class of 2013, be it high school, a university degree, or a certificate program like mine, I say Congratulations! Enjoy your big day for all it is worth and don’t ever stop learning, for there will always be more to learn. The third verse of John W. Peterson’s hymn called “The Student’s Prayer” sums it up nicely:

“May the things we learn, so meager, never lift our hearts in pride

 ‘Til in foolish self-reliance we would wander from Thy side.

Let them only bind us closer, Lord, to Thee, in whom we find

Very fountainhead of wisdom, Light and life of all mankind.”

Amen!

P.S. Congratulations to Lillian, who won last week’s draw for a free book.