A Valentine to My Eight-Year-Old Self

I was in love by Grade Two. Having decided which of my classmates I would marry, I prepared a marriage license for us which my big brother discovered in my room and found useful for endless harassment and blackmail. I dreaded the day my intended groom learned of its existence, but I don’t recall having to endure that humiliation. Maybe my brother was more merciful than I thought.

Valentines Day would not expose my secret since Mom insisted I give a valentine to every person in my class, regardless of my feelings. The only thing under my control was deciding who received which one. I’d agonize over who got my invitation to “Be Mine” and who received the skunk picture declaring, “I’m scent-imental over you!”

I loved those press-out valentines. I loved a little less the envelopes that had to be folded and then glued together with flour and water paste—a method you’ll remember if your parents survived the Great Depression.

In the lead-up to the big day, we decorated our classroom with pink and red streamers and paper hearts. Our teacher brought in a large box and cut a slot in the top. We covered The Box with crepe paper and more hearts and cupids. On the morning of February 14, we diligently hid our valentines until our turn came to insert them into The Box. Little was learned during our morning lessons as we stared at The Box, envisioning all the valentines inside.

When we returned after lunch, cookies and cupcakes in hand, it was party time. Games were played, treats were shared. Finally, the big culmination: the opening of The Box and the distribution of the valentines within.

At home, I’d review them over and over, hunting for clues to a secret love the sender may have hidden between the lines, hope and heartache racing side by side through my little core.

Fifty-six Valentines Days later, I decided to write a valentine to the little girl I was then. Since I don’t have a time machine so I can drop it through a slot in The Box, I’ll share it here.

Sweetheart,

I know you’re dying to know whom you’ll one day marry. I’m not going to tell you, except to say it’s neither of the boys you take turns having a crush on these days, so maybe hold off on writing marriage licenses. You will marry a good man, but he won’t be perfect. Neither will you. Together you’ll have some wonderful, imperfect children. They’ll bring you joy, laughter, and love. This may come as a shock, but they’ll also hurt your feelings sometimes. You’ll disappoint them, and yourself. There will be days you’ll feel unloved and forgotten, betrayed and alone.

Here’s another shocker: your parents don’t have everything figured out. They’re doing their best to love and care for you, given the tools they’ve been given. They’ll fall short sometimes, too. Even when you’re grown, they’ll second-guess the choices they made for you. If you can understand that, it’ll be easier both to forgive their mistakes and to forgive yourself when your own kids are adults.

What I need you to know more than anything is that you are loved, perfectly and just the way you are, by the One who created you. The more you practice running to Him with your hurts and allowing His love to comfort you, the greater will be your ability to love the people He brings into your life—even when they don’t return your affection. You have a long life ahead, with countless people who will move in and out of it. Only One will be constant. You won’t regret pouring every effort into getting to know Him—Jesus, the Lover of your soul.

Yours truly,

Your 64-year-old self.

A New Twist on Date Night

(Last in a 3-part series on marriage.)

Now that Pete and Pam have learned to connect emotionally, it’s time they enjoyed some fun together. They’ve always been told how important regular “Date Nights” are to a marriage. According to Dr. GregSmalley, vice president of Family Ministry at Focus on the Family, when a couple spends time alone each week, their levels of happiness, positive communication, and sexual satisfaction are more than three times higher than those who don’t spend that time together. That means you might be able to dramatically increase these important areas of your marriage by simply dating your spouse.

Over the years, Pete and Pam have made many attempts. But children’s extracurricular events, sickness, or lack of a babysitter would invariably preempt their plans. Rescheduling took too much effort.

Planning became a little easier when the kids no longer required babysitting, but even then, things fizzled. Pete would pick a movie hoping to please Pam, and be bored to tears himself. Or Pam might choose a restaurant she thought Pete would love, but it fell flat. Both would return home disenchanted, and soon Date Night became a bittersweet memory.

Now that the kids are grown, Pete and Pam find themselves home alone together any given night of the week. What’s the point of dating, especially when dating so often disappoints?

At the marriage seminar we attended with Dr. DougWeiss, he taught us a different twist on date night. First, Pete and Pam need to establish when their dates will happen and how often. Every other Friday? Third Saturday of the month?

Once they’ve agreed, Pete and Pam will take turns planning the entire date, from babysitter to activities to location. But here’s where the twist comes in: Pete plans a date around what HE would like to do and Pam plans one around what SHE likes.

Say what?

You heard me. Sounds kinda selfish, doesn’t it? Takes all the romance out. That’s what I thought. 

But when you consider it, it makes sense. If Pete plans a date he knows he will like, they know at least one person will enjoy it. And Pam knows her turn is coming.

The three rules are:

• No discussing major issues or household administration on your date.
• No errand-running on your date.
• No shopping (unless both recognize shopping as an enjoyable activity.) 

 You may also need to agree on a budget amount. I’d like to add a rule I made just for myself: prepare for the date as you would a first date with someone new—without the downside of nervous jitters.

Dr. Weiss told us that early in his own Date Night commitment, he took his turn planning a date. His wife happened to be a little ticked with him at the time and announced she wasn’t going.

He said, “OK. I’m still going.”

With his per-person budget for the evening suddenly doubled, he took himself to a 5-Star restaurant where he enjoyed a sumptuous meal alone. 

His wife never did that again.

Pete and Pam now look forward to date nights and find they’re able to maintain the commitment. What’s more, they’re learning to laugh and have fun together again.

Happy Valentine’s Day, and happy dating!

What Women Want

It’s just around the corner, guys. And I know it’s all you can think about.

Over coffee break one day, I took a highly scientific survey among my female co-workers about what they appreciate (and don’t) in the way of Valentine’s Day expressions from their significant others.Most of us agreed, the only really bad gift is no gift at all. Second to that would be a vacuum cleaner, or pretty much anything with an electrical cord.

You might be surprised to know that several of us agreed flowers are too cliché. I chuckled at that one, because I’ve often told my husband I’d much rather receive a single daisy on a nothing day, “just because,” than a dozen roses on Valentines or our anniversary. Too predictable. Too little thought required. Although, if you do send flowers, most women agree they love to receive them at work where their co-workers can admire them.

Some ladies want chocolates, others not. Likewise with lingerie. This is where it’s important to know your sweetheart, guys. If it might be interpreted as a gift to yourself, skip it.

Jewelry was an agreed-upon favorite. Mushy cards, going out for supper (or better yet, having him cook for her) placed right up there, too. One gal loves receiving art pieces from Bryson’s Gifts.

The bottom line isn’t really that complicated, guys. Women want:

• To feel beautiful. That’s why jewelry or perfume work.
• To feel cherished for who they are, not just for all they do. That’s why kitchen appliances don’t work.
• To know you thought about them ahead of time. That’s why the last wilted rose purchased at closing time will never go down in history as your most brilliant idea.
• To be known. If she cares deeply about fair trade, she will not appreciate a box of chocolates or a package of specialty coffees that are not.
• To enjoy a break from routine responsibilities. That’s why most women enjoy eating out.
• To be surprised. A bouquet of red roses on February 14th is only a surprise if you’ve never done it before.
• To feel a little spoiled. This could look like anything from breakfast in bed or brushing the snow off her car and starting it, to a day at the spa. One thing is certain; showering your lady with gifts never hurts. When it comes to romance, there’s no such thing as erring on the side of too much.

One of the most treasured gifts I ever received from my husband was in 2006. The Royal Winnipeg Ballet was teaming up with Winnipeg’s Symphony Orchestra and Philharmonic Choir to perform Handel’s Messiah. Jon surprised me with tickets for the two of us. This was not an event he’d want to attend for himself, but he knew I’d love it, making it all the more special. Plus, planning it and purchasing the tickets without my knowledge eliminated any guilt I might feel about the cost. And it truly was a magical performance. I was moved to tears before the curtain was even all the way up, and the program cover still hangs on my bulletin board at home.

If you think about what your partner would really like (even if it seems silly to you), plan ahead, and toss in an element of surprise, you can’t go wrong. And you’re receiving these tips a week early, so you’re really without excuse now. No need to thank me. Happy Valentine’s Day!