How DO I love thee?

'Tis the season for red hearts and roses. I decided to do a little digging into a renowned real-life love story. Sadly, the resulting marriage lasted only 15 years, from 1846 until the bride passed away in 1861.

It felt weirdly satisfying to learn that this quintessentially romantic English couple was neither gorgeous nor young when their relationship began to blossom. Elizabeth Barrett, although an accomplished and respected poet, was nearly forty and in poor health when she first heard from Robert Browning, six years her junior. A prolific poet himself, Browning’s works had been published at the expense of his father. In fact, Browning lived with his parents until his marriage to Elizabeth when he was 34. Not exactly what we’d consider great husband material. The couple married secretly and returned to their parental homes for a week before running away to Italy. More on that later.

Elizabeth, born in 1806 as the first of twelve children to wealthy parents, began writing poetry at age four. Her father, Edward, declared he would disinherit any of his children who chose to marry. (Perhaps being a slave owner gives one the illusion that offspring are property to be controlled.)

In his first letter to Elizabeth, Robert Browning wrote, “I love your verses with all my heart, dear Miss Barrett.” 

Thus began a secret exchange of letters surrounding an equally secret courtship. She wrote, “I am not of a cold nature, and cannot bear to be treated coldly. When cold water is thrown upon a hot iron, the iron hisses.”

To me, it seems a secret relationship between two poets is both the perfect catalyst for romance and the least likely to last. But it was during their courtship that Elizabeth wrote her famous Sonnet 43.

True to his word, Elizabeth’s father disinherited her after she snuck away to marry Robert Browning in a private ceremony at St. Marylebone Parish Church. After honeymooning in Paris, the couple moved to Italy for the sake of Elizabeth’s health.

At the age of 43, between four miscarriages, Elizabeth gave birth to a son, Robert, whom they nicknamed Pen. The family remained in Italy, living among fellow writers and artists. Her health continued to deteriorate until her death at the age of 55, in 1861. She died in Robert Browning’s arms. Though he lived another 28 years, he never remarried.

The shadow of loss was cast over Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s life from the start. She lost her mother, two beloved brothers, her health, her father’s acceptance, and four unborn babies. Did her one true love compensate for all that? The last lines of her most famous sonnet may be the truest: “…and if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”

Though scripture tells us there will be no marriage in Heaven, this aspect of Barrett’s sonnet is spot-on. When we are free from all that binds us to this earthly life, free from our own selfishness and insecurities, we will indeed love others—all others—far better than we ever could on our best day on earth. That will be a day far more glorious than Valentine’s!

 

Why Being a Writer Might Be Hazardous to Your Marriage

Marriages that include one writer can present unique challenges. One more obvious scenario is the non-writer finding his or her life on display, quirks and all, in books, articles, or blog posts. Another might involve the writer becoming lost in their own make-believe world instead of staying engaged in the present reality. Or the nonwriter feeling abandoned by the writer’s constant pull toward the writing desk for hours on end, often late at night or in the wee hours of the morning.

But the challenge I’ve only lately realized is the writer’s ability to re-write everyday conversations (in which the hero has fallen short in some way) into fantasy scenes where said hero proves so loving and considerate, her fantasy heroine cannot help but feel as cherished and precious as the writer longs to feel in real life. 

Here’s an example.

In the real-life scene, the married couple (let’s call them Bill and Susan) are driving home from church and discussing plans for the following morning. Susan, who normally walks to work, has been suffering from a sore knee and has not made the walk for a couple of weeks. She’s hoping to try walking again tomorrow, but she’s waffling—especially given the sub-zero winter temperatures. But Bill needs the car to drive to the city for an appointment. He offers to drop Susan off at work in the morning, but he won’t return for hours after Susan gets off, leaving her no way home. Should she try walking home in the cold on that bad knee? She’s not sure what to do.

“Well,” Bill says, “if you don’t want to walk, you can always take a four-dollar shuttle.”

Problem solved. Right? 

Maybe for Bill. But Susan is a writer. The next day as she limps home in the freezing wind, she rewrites the scene in her mind. If she were scripting a romantic novel in which she wanted readers to swoon over Bill, she might write the scene something like this:

Bill ran a hand through Susan’s hair and brought it to rest on her chin, lifting it slightly so he could gaze into her eyes. “Sweetheart, I don’t like the idea of you walking in this cold with that bad knee. Here.” She felt him slip something into her hand, folding her fingers around it. “Promise me that if you don’t feel up to walking, you’ll call for a ride. All right?” He kissed her forehead and waited for her nod before he pulled away. Susan opened her hand to discover a five-dollar bill and a phone number for a local shuttle company.

Fantasy Bill is now a hero. He has acknowledged that Susan is a grown woman capable of making her own decision. But he has also made her feel precious with his care and his kiss. She feels provided for with the money and the phone number. And she feels important to him. Chances are, she will choose to walk home anyway, but she will do so feeling loved and cherished.

Susan compares the scene in her mind to the real-life scene, and Bill comes up sadly lacking in the romantic hero department. Instead of feeling treasured, she interprets his solution the same as if he had coldly said, “Well, I need the car. So deal with it.” 

In fact, no matter how hard Bill tries, he is never going to meet the standards of the chivalrous fantasy heroes Susan is capable of conjuring. His words won’t sound as loving, or his sentences as cleverly constructed. For that matter, he’ll probably never be as smartly dressed or smell as sexy or work as hard or earn as much or…

You get the picture.

Meanwhile, real-life Susan laments the fact she can never measure up to the air-brushed, photo-shopped, youthful models smiling at her husband every day from billboards, magazines, and the internet. It’s not fair! her heart cries, not seeing that Bill is being dealt the same brutally unfair hand.

Maybe it isn’t just a writer thing. Maybe it’s a female thing. I don’t know, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.

What Women Want

It’s just around the corner, guys. And I know it’s all you can think about.

Over coffee break one day, I took a highly scientific survey among my female co-workers about what they appreciate (and don’t) in the way of Valentine’s Day expressions from their significant others.Most of us agreed, the only really bad gift is no gift at all. Second to that would be a vacuum cleaner, or pretty much anything with an electrical cord.

You might be surprised to know that several of us agreed flowers are too cliché. I chuckled at that one, because I’ve often told my husband I’d much rather receive a single daisy on a nothing day, “just because,” than a dozen roses on Valentines or our anniversary. Too predictable. Too little thought required. Although, if you do send flowers, most women agree they love to receive them at work where their co-workers can admire them.

Some ladies want chocolates, others not. Likewise with lingerie. This is where it’s important to know your sweetheart, guys. If it might be interpreted as a gift to yourself, skip it.

Jewelry was an agreed-upon favorite. Mushy cards, going out for supper (or better yet, having him cook for her) placed right up there, too. One gal loves receiving art pieces from Bryson’s Gifts.

The bottom line isn’t really that complicated, guys. Women want:

• To feel beautiful. That’s why jewelry or perfume work.
• To feel cherished for who they are, not just for all they do. That’s why kitchen appliances don’t work.
• To know you thought about them ahead of time. That’s why the last wilted rose purchased at closing time will never go down in history as your most brilliant idea.
• To be known. If she cares deeply about fair trade, she will not appreciate a box of chocolates or a package of specialty coffees that are not.
• To enjoy a break from routine responsibilities. That’s why most women enjoy eating out.
• To be surprised. A bouquet of red roses on February 14th is only a surprise if you’ve never done it before.
• To feel a little spoiled. This could look like anything from breakfast in bed or brushing the snow off her car and starting it, to a day at the spa. One thing is certain; showering your lady with gifts never hurts. When it comes to romance, there’s no such thing as erring on the side of too much.

One of the most treasured gifts I ever received from my husband was in 2006. The Royal Winnipeg Ballet was teaming up with Winnipeg’s Symphony Orchestra and Philharmonic Choir to perform Handel’s Messiah. Jon surprised me with tickets for the two of us. This was not an event he’d want to attend for himself, but he knew I’d love it, making it all the more special. Plus, planning it and purchasing the tickets without my knowledge eliminated any guilt I might feel about the cost. And it truly was a magical performance. I was moved to tears before the curtain was even all the way up, and the program cover still hangs on my bulletin board at home.

If you think about what your partner would really like (even if it seems silly to you), plan ahead, and toss in an element of surprise, you can’t go wrong. And you’re receiving these tips a week early, so you’re really without excuse now. No need to thank me. Happy Valentine’s Day!